Because Kyle Sand is an exceptional journalist, who should not have been fired over a few misunderstandings involving fire, The Bubbly Review has the exclusive on the investigation for the missing babies. Read on:

Case number: 7009845

Date: 15 February 2018

Reporting Officer(s): Inspector Fishnet

Case: Beetlejuice and Smee’s Missing Fry

I have little hope that I will find any of the nine little tikes—the neighborhood is ultimately inescapable. Nevertheless, I arrived early to inspect the breeder net for any holes or evidence of tampering. There was none, and considering that their mother is an escape artist, I’m not surprised at the dead end. I spent the morning searching all the nooks and crannies, hoping to find at least one of the babies. When nothing turned up by midday, I gave up the search and began interviewing residents. Their testimonies are as follows:

Beetlejuice: “I saw the kids around 7 pm two nights ago—all safely tucked in the net. I then spent the evening fighting Milktoast over the algae tablet and reminding Brain/Einstein that not only am I bigger than him—and his head fits quite nicely in my mouth—but I am the king of the tank.”

Special note: If Brain/Einstein dies, Beetlejuice will be the prime suspect.

Smee: “I haven’t seen my kids since they got ripped out of my mouth because authorities put me back behind the barrier wall. I don’t know why they decided that my children would be safer with their father: the hump-headed idiot. Now nine of them are missing and you’re interviewing me instead of looking for the real culprit. I’m so insulted.”

Special note: Smee didn’t do it, but I’m pressing charges for the tail smack she gave me.

SweetTart: “Children? Oh, is that what those cute little things are? They’re so tiny I figured they were flecks of dirt and ignored them. I haven’t seen the poor dears. I hope you find them.”

Special note: I don’t believe for a second she thought the children were dirt. Their arrival had everyone in an uproar.

PUC: “Yes, I saw the brats. They were in the net until sometime late two nights ago. I saw some movement around the breeder net at about 1 am, but I can’t say for sure if I witnessed babies jumping out or something jumping in. It was dark, you understand. What I do know for sure is that I didn’t see any babies swimming in the open water.”

Special note: I never considered someone may have jumped into the breeder net.

Brain/Einstein: “I’ve been working on a way to usurp Beetlejuice’s authority without tipping off the authorities and getting put back in with Madame Geoffrey, so I haven’t had time to care about them. But, if you ask me, I’m sure they got eaten and whoever ate them thought they were delicious.”

Special note: If Brain/Einstein is trying to usurp Beetlejuice, wouldn’t killing his children accomplish this?

Milktoast: “I’ll be honest, I like eggs. I ate Madame Geoffrey’s all the time. If you were looking for missing eggs, I’d definitely be your culprit. However, I draw the line at eating things that wriggle in my mouth. If I have to use my teeth to chomp on scales, I don’t eat it.”

Special note: As usual, Milktoast is the most honest out of the bunch.

To be thorough, I went to the Palace and asked Madame Geoffrey if she saw anything.

Madame Geoffrey: “I hope Smee’s children all become entrees.”

Special note: If this bitter lady were in the As The Water Swirls tank, the missing children would be her fault.

—Inspector Fishnet