Reporters have been working frantically to get their hands on more of the case files concerning the departed neighborhood that we are all so anxious to know about. Finally, under cover of darkness, one reporter was able to get their fins on another file. We, of course, fired that employee because their actions were a breach of protocol, and we don’t want the authorities to shut down our company. But it is our duty to inform the public of the evil out there, so we’ve published the information.

Case number: 300100

Date: 28 December 2012—31 December 2012

Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet

Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

Inspector Seaweed and I stopped our stake-out last week. We’d spent so much time watching petty arguments and lackadaisical swimming with no answers to our investigation in sight that we started playing Go Fish. It was an all-time low for us, and we took a few days off.

We shouldn’t have.

The day we left, the highly entertaining Fiesta was found wedged behind the heater; the community was in a panic while police pried Fiesta out. The next day Pinata was discovered belly up and stuck to the filter.
We began our investigations immediately upon returning, and the Newest Queen Diva was our prime suspect. When we interviewed her, she stated that she could care less about the murders and wanted to be left alone.

Today the watery inhabitants gasped in horror when the Queen Diva was found dead. The Coroner reported no visible signs of sickness or trauma and filed an official report saying that she died of natural causes, but my partner and I are unsure. When asked if she would miss her sister, the last Diva stated that her sister probably killed herself by being high maintenance, and she wouldn’t be missing her.

“Now I’m the Queen of the tank,” she said.

As one can imagine, this newest string of murders has the community feeling paranoid. They have stopped swimming together, thinking that being alone would be safer than being in a group.

Last night another murder took place. The last Diva was found dead this morning at the bottom of the tank. The Coroner’s report was the same as the previous Beta’s death. The brand new community is starting to doubt my partner and mine’s ability to care for the neighborhood. Little do they know that we are also questioning our abilities.

It is curious to notice that after the clean-up of the mysterious fourth murder, the community went back to their everyday concerns. This makes Inspector Seaweed and I suspect that maybe there was a murder pact.

We spent the rest of the evening listening to complaints from Marbel the Suckerfish about Banna Fudge the Wag Platy. Apparently, Banana Fudge bit her to get at her algae tablet. Banana Fudge said that there was no reason for Marble to bite him back and that she should share. Marble pointed out that he would see his own food floating at the top if he would just look up.

Meanwhile, I observed Ghosty the Ghost Shrimp sneaking in to take a few bites of the algae tablet. We’ve taken notes of the complaints but decided to let the three of them figure it out on their own while we try to figure out why everyone keeps dying.

Inspector Fishnet

After several water changes, adding salt, a bacteria stone, and several tablespoons of nitrite dissolving solution, the tank finally cycled properly and is no longer toxic. The neighborhood has dropped charges against the authorities, despite their attorney’s advice.

When asked why, Pinky, a Lyretail Fairy cichlid, said, “Don’t make it sound like we’re haters. We were dying when we pressed charges. We aren’t dying now so why wouldn’t we drop charges?”
Despite the trauma, the neighborhood is still gleeful when they see the authorities and are not holding any grudges against them.
“We practice tolerance,” Brain, Pinky’s husband, stated, “we saw the good intentions behind all the blumbers that were occurring. They even prayed for us. Obviously they care, and we’ve decided to be a forgiving community.” 

Authorities are relieved and grateful that the tank is peaceful once more and are looking forward to surprising the community with a special banquet tonight. Until then they will be looking into why Milquetoast the Plenco is missing a piece of her tail.

–The Bubbly Review

Although the authorities said that the neighborhood was relatively safe from anything the Lady in the Purple Plant has, it turns out that this is untrue. The symptoms of the Lady in the Purple are due to the water conditions of the tank, which are extremely toxic. Due to the stress of her previous relationship, the Lady in the Purple Plant was affected by the toxic water before anyone else.

“I knew there was a problems those inept morons weren’t picking up on,” Ninja Smee told reporters.

“I’m seriously not feeling too good,” Ezekiel said as he lethargically floated behind Ninja Smee.

“I just want to live in peace in a neighborhood where I am not swimming in urine and breathing feces,” Bardarbunga, the Bumblebee cichlid, said.

“I just want to kill something,” Beetlejuice, a Hump head Frontosa, yelled from the top of the tank.

Authorities say that they are doing all they can to fix the water without killing fish in the process. Unhappy with the way the authorities have been handling the situation, the community is filing a lawsuit against the authorities.

—The Bubbly Review

The violent acts of the male of the Purple Plant household reached a head Thursday afternoon, and the authorities removed him from the lives of the watery neighborhood. Wilt Chamberlin and Sir Witherspoon held a tea party to celebrate. Everyone declined their kind offer.

“I don’t really care,” Sir Witherspoon sniffed. “There isn’t enough room in our plant for anyone other than myself and Chamberlin.”

For a week, the calm water was only disturbed by the ferocious nightly feasts and all appeared serene, well as serene as a tank full of cichlids can be. It didn’t last, though. Last night the neighborhood contacted the authorities to voice a concern about the recently liberated Lady of the Purple Plant.

“She tremors continually and shakes her head as if she is trying to clear it,” the Frontosa, Nija Smee, reported.

Neighbors have appealed to the authorities to find out if these symptoms are a result of her recent trauma or if this is something that could affect them all.

Tests are currently being run to ensure that the Lady of the Purple Plant doesn’t have seizures. The authorities have assured the neighborhood that none of them are sick or in danger at this time. Happy with the authorities’ response, a majority of the tank went back to their game of swimming to the top of the tank and then racing back to the bottom. Ninja Smee, however, is keeping a wary eye on the Lady of the Purple Plant and will inform the Bubbly Review of any changes or new pieces of gossip.

—The Bubbly Review

Case number: 30099

Date: 11 December 2012—22 December 2012

Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet

Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

It’s been quiet in the neighborhood for the last couple of months, and Inspector Fishnet and I considered ending our stakeout. The three Beta Sisters surprisingly get along with each other, and peace reigned for quite some time, but then the Queen Diva contracted what we thought was cancer. We immediately consulted Google Physician and then hired the resident doctor, Dr. Goodnut, to attend Queen Diva.

The attempt to save her with peculiar medications caused the death of three tank mates. Sadly, one of the fish who died was the beloved Bristlenose suckerfish, Suckytwo, whose loss was felt throughout the community. Further devastation occurred when the medication failed to help the Queen Diva. Her death resulted in a civil war between the two remaining Divas.

My partner and I authorized other fish to be introduced for peace to be a possibility again. Today, Marble the Bristlenose; the Guppies: Fiesta, Pinata, and Lavender; and Ghosty the Ghost Shrimp moved into the captivated neighborhood. It has slowed the fighting down and seemed to help the Diva Sisters manage their grief. The new Bristlenose is particularly welcome as the algae was becoming impossible to control.

Dr. Goodnut is our prime suspect in the serial murders. We’ve arrested him on probable cause, and he’s awaiting trial. However, unless we find irrefutable proof that Goodnut is more nut than good the doctor being found guilty of fish slaughter will most likely not occur. As everyone knows that Google Physician, while the best resource for young, inexperienced fish doctors, is not always accurate.

–Inspector Seaweed.

The Bubbly Review finds it disturbing that the authorities have kept important fish of interest a secret. No one has ever heard of this mysterious Suckytwo, who, as an algae eater, is an essential part of every watery community and should be known by all and commemorated. The presence of a ghost shrimp is a surprise to all and has led to questions such as: Could the tank be haunted?

—The Bubbly Review

Despite the Purple Plant couple being under surveillance for the last week, there was a rapid and violent chase within the plant this morning.

“The violence is unacceptable,” Sir Witherspoon III sniffed, displacing his monocle. “The pommeling must cease immediately. Yesterday, the brute knocked into me and dumped my tea.”

“Indeed. We are supposed to be a safe environment, but that female’s continuous screeching is ruining that illusion,” Wilt Chamberlin said, floating next to Sir Witherspoon.

The friends share the reedy, red plant and can’t understand the fish who aren’t able to co-exist. Mr. Chamberlin said it best when he described the neighborhood as “having plenty of space in which to hide and call your own.”

Authorities stepped in and incarcerated the male of the purple plant.
Despite scale -removal-treatment, the Lady of the Purple Plant is now hanging out as close to her mate as the prison net will allow. Occasionally he still lunges for her, but she always returns.

This is the first domestic violence case where the battered female keeps returning to the abuser that the authorities have seen in a fish tank.

“We are seriously displeased,” Inspector Seaweed informed us.

 The Bubbly Review will continue to follow this ghastly situation as it unfolds.

—The Bubbly Review

As The Water Swirls is a tightly knit community thanks to the glass walls that hold their atmosphere. Sometimes (every day), a complaint is lodged against one resident or another. Since the situations usually resolve on their own, authorities do little more than listen with disapproving frowns. So far, this hasn’t created any resentment.

In the past twelve hours, several complaints came to the authorities about the couple who live in the purple plant. Reporters interviewed surrounding residents while the authorities interrogated the two.

“He chases her and tries to bite her for most of the day,” Ezekiel, a flavescent peacock cichlid, said.

“Oh, it’s worse than that,” Chummy, a rubin red peacock cichlid, interrupted. “He’ll be kind to her just long enough for her to forget his previous abuses and fool her into getting close to him again.”

“He’s so volatile. We never know what will set him off,” Ezekiel said, pushing Chummy away from the microphone.

“She’s missing pieces of her fins!” Chummy said, giving Ezekiel a whap in the face with his tail.

Before a fight could break out between the two peacocks, reporters thanked them and rushed to speak to the authorities.

“We’re going to put the two under surveillance,” Inspector Seaweed told reporters. “This is a rough neighborhood to begin with, and it seems unfair to judge this couple on conduct that we see all of the residents display at least once a day.” He nodded towards Chummy and Ezekiel circling one another

–The Bubbly Review

It took a while, but The Bubbly Review’s sources were able to find another file illuminating the last sad days of the old residents of As The Water Swirls. Here’s the latest information:

Case number: 30098

Date: 9 October 2012—19 October 2012

Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet

Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

I’ve been on a stakeout for three weeks, and until today, no suspicious activity has occurred. Three divas moved into the watery, sometimes, haven. Three beta divas, to be exact. Within the first 30 minutes, I saw one beta bite the nose of a meddlesome cherry barb, who is twice her size, and thought it would be fun to nip at her. He is now staying away. Also, I see that I am already going to have to add tail repair to the tank, as two of the divas decided a tail-smacking and teeth-grabbing showdown needed to occur. This continued until the net broke them up. Now they are content to warily watch each other.

I’ve observed the watery-sometimes-haven for four weeks now, and other than the day the three divas moved in, it has been quiet. Well, as quiet as a society can be with three betas. The Diva sisters happily swim together cordially, like most sisters do, as long as their rooms stay undisturbed by the others and their curling irons are not tampered with. However, the male Cherry Barbs have become increasingly more aggressive, irritating the whole tank and the Authoritative Department of Peace. Finally, the ADP had to make a decision, send the Barbs to the Flushing Chair or find them a new home. In the name of fishanity and trying to avoid more murder, the latter option was chosen. The boys now find themselves in a 7.5-gallon tank together, where they seem to have reconciled their differences.

Inspector Fishnet

—The Bubbly Review

Last night Pinky and the Brain moved in next to Ivan the Terrible. This morning it appears that the three are cordial neighbors. Authorities have considered gun control and the removal of all weapons of mass destruction. Then they realized that they were just fish, so it should be safe. Shouldn’t it?
Ivan the Terrible asked that he not be addressed with such an injurious title and would like to be known as PUC in the future. Reporters were brave enough to ask the suspected tyrant why he wanted his name changed. His answer shocked all within hearing distance.
“You see that I am the color of pineapple, and I’m sure you’ve noticed that I prefer to eat upside down. I’m also quite fond of fruity cakes. The acronym that describes my defining features, PUC, appeals to me,” he began. “I’m also a fan of the elf sprite, Puck, in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night Dream. However, I’m not an elf sprite, but a magnificent fish, so to take the name Puck is an absurd idea. PUC gives the illusion of my favorite character in literature while keeping my uniqueness wholly in tack. I insist that I be known as PUC. My application for my name change has been submitted, and I expect its approval immediately.”
With most profound respect, The Bubbly Review will honor Ivan’s request and decision and will refer to him as PUC from now on. We’re concerned about what he’ll do to us if we do not. We will also endeavor not to giggle each time we think about what PUC stands for: Pineapple Upside-down Cake.

–The Bubbly Review

The murdering spree of the last residents of the Water Swirls neighborhood is still being investigated. Despite authorities’ attempts to file these events as cold cases for the rest of eternity, some new stories have come to light. We are committed to bringing you all the news from As The Water Swirls and will report these stories as they come out of the depths. Hopefully, this will get rid of the police station’s Total Failures department. Here’s the latest information:

Case number: 30098
Date: 12 September 2012
Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet
Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

The last time my partner and I visited the captivated habitat, the Golden Rams’ traumatic deaths had just occurred–leaving the peaceful inhabitants of Cherry Barbs and other Tetras with mixed feelings. Yesterday we stopped by for a follow-up with the happy Cherry Barb community of three. The cherry barbs are no longer a happy community. The two male cherries had enjoyed passing the time with the Cherry Geisha for months, but suddenly, spending time with the lovely Geisha was not enough. These once buddies found themselves fighting over the affection of the Geisha, each wanting to mate. As is the Geisha way, their proposals were denied. The boys became enraged with each other and her. She filed a stalking and domestic disturbance report. We tried to reason with the boys, but they continued to punch and bite the Geisha and each other, so we arrested them. After a brief stay in solitary confinement for a short time, we let them go. During their absence, two girl cherries moved in and befriended the Geisha. We hoped that the new girls would not become Geishas. We lingered that evening to see how the boys would interact with the new residence. The boys were delighted and, yet again, denied. We returned today and found that one of the girls has disappeared. We did a thorough search, which was fruitless. The mystery of the lost girl has befuddled my partner and me. We want to believe that this disappearance is unconnected with the murders, but we are doubtful. It’s too coincidental. For now, this case is unsolved.

Inspector Seaweed

—The Bubbly Review