The mysterious absence of Sasquatch Giraffe has been solved. He returned yesterday afternoon with a well-aimed splash that soaked the authorities, floor, surrounding electronics, and wall. Something he told us was “Very satisfying and well deserved.”

When we asked him where he had been, he told us it was a “Small, cold place where breathing was hard, and a stupid white tablet kept showing up.”

Surprisingly, Chummy yelled from the safety of the door of his home that Sassy’s description could only be the hospital.

When Wilt heard this, he began to cry. He pulled out a letter from Sir Witherspoon, and we learned that the great Sir is dead.

 Chummy offered his condolences and suggested that Wilt and Sassy go to a spa.

Geoffrey’s unbridled joy at Sassy’s return is best described as enduring. As soon as she saw him, she nestled up to him and fluttered her body against his before swimming circles around him. The affection got everyone’s attention. Although most didn’t care, Chummy appeared put out and Ninja Smee thought it was sweet, casting longing glances at Beetlejuice (who gave her the cold fin).

It has not gone unnoticed by authorities or The Bubbly Review that in Sassy’s absence, the neighborhood became violent, particularly towards Geoffrey and Smee. With Sassy’s return, everyone has gone back to coexisting as peacefully as cichlids in an overcrowded tank can. There is a growing concern that if something terrible ever happened to Sassy, a few residents may, at best, form a mafia or, worse, fight to be the only one in the tank.

We all pray that Sassy lives a long life without brain damage from smacking into the glass.

–The Bubbly Review

Incident Number	Officer on Case	Date and Time	On a scale of 1 to 10, how dire do you think this is?
000026	Inspector Fishnet	April 7, 2015 3:17 am	4
Name of marine life reporting the loss	Address	Relationship to the Missing	Reason for reporting the marine life missing
Ginger “Geoffrey” Giraffe	The Watery Neighborhood	Spouse	There was a net and then he was gone
On a scale of 1 to 10, how worried are they?	50

Lost/Missing Marine Life

Name of the Missing	Nickname	Scale/shell/flesh color	Size
Sasquatch Timid Giraffe	Sassy	Green body, blue head, bright yellow streak down dorsal fin	Biggest in the land
Marks/Scars on scale/shell/flesh	When did you first notice the marine life missing?	Location missing from	Time last seen and by who
Knot on the head from hitting the side of the tank repeatedly	Lunchtime on April 6, 2014	The middle of Water Neighborhood	Lunchtime. Everyone in the tank because he’s so huge

Additional Information and Comments

My dearest Sassy was scraping his sides in quick, graceful swoops when the top of the building opened up. Sassy smashed his face into a corner with a thud, and then I lost sight of him. A giant fish net showed up, and everyone scattered. It was pandemonium! I hid under a plant that turned out to be Pinky and Brain’s home. After the net withdrew, Pinky and Brain chased me out of their home (they actually bit me. I couldn’t believe it). Anyway, Sassy was gone after that. I’ve been zipping around the tank searching for him, incurring injuries because my neighbors are the worst. Please find him!

Wilt Chamberlain III
1st Tall Spindly Red Plan
Leaf 3, Watery Neighborhood

My Dearest Friend,

I hope this letter finds you well and that the despicable algae games are not disturbing the house. Thank you for your note and for inquiring about my health. The hospital is abysmal, the food is bland, and I miss our chess games. The only benefit of being here is that it is quiet.

Despite the doctor’s valiant efforts on my behalf, I don’t believe the medical care is working. Although the nurses do their best to keep me in good spirits, something I wish they wouldn’t try to do for it is quite annoying, I fear I will not survive the week.

I’d like to leave you my favorite monocle and ask that you don’t let anyone move into my room on leaf four. I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. Thank you for always being quiet and composed during all the tank drama. You helped me keep my sanity. Please stay away from that monster Sasquatch; his mouth is so big that I fear he’ll one day try to eat you. Live long, my friend. I go before you into the ocean of the beyond quite unafraid.

Until we meet in the next life,

Sir Witherspoon

Sponsored by That Fish Store. “Where you get all the tasty food.”

“Welcome to the daily Algae Games where we get to see if our pleco, Milktoast, will get her food. What do you think, Dover, will she get to eat today?”

“Well Mackerel, I firmly believe that Milktoast is capable of taking on any of these fish, even without teeth. I think the real question is not will she get to eat, but what will happen first: Milktoast busting out the tail smack or Lunch Lady adding a second tablet? We may see some real action today.”

“I guess we’ll find out. The food has been put in and everyone is at the top scarfing away. Lunch Lady carefully drops the tablet in the back of the tank. It’s falling with lazy flips along the side of the heater. Dover, this may be a boring game, nobody has noticed it.”

“I don’t know Mackerel you know how quickly—Beetlejuice has noticed the tablet! He swoops in and tries to stick the whole thing in his mouth, but it’s too big!”

“Ninja Smee has noticed Beetlejuice awkwardly swimming and chewing and now rips the tablet from his mouth in a well-played swoop.”

“But she can’t keep hold of it and it drops to the bottom of the tank! Milktoast sees it and makes her way towards it. Oh no, Chummy has picked it up.”

“His mouth is even smaller than Beetlejuice’s, Dover, he can’t possibly hold on to it for long.”

“You’re right. Ezekiel has swiped the tablet from his mouth, but Chummy isn’t going to let him get away with that and with a scaley swipe and flipper flick, he gets the tablet back. But wait, Sassy has noticed the tablet and rushes over. Chummy drops it in his haste to get away!”

“Milktoast intercepts Sassy, but she can’t find the tablet. It now sits at the bottom of the tank. Pinky and Brain have found it and are nibbling away.”

“Sassy gets around Milktoast and grabs the tablet. His mouth is so big that only a fourth of the tablet is showing. Geoffrey leisurely swims up to Sassy and he spits it out to share.”

“Such a gentleman, Dover. It looks like Lunch Lady is going to add another tablet.”

“I don’t think she’s ready to end the game yet, Mackerel.”

“Sassy has lost interest in the tablet and Beetlejuice has chased Geoffrey away. Chummy nips at Beetlejuice and takes the tablet. He’s chewing ferociously.”

“He loses his grip! PUC and Sweetart converge on the tablet like they haven’t eaten ever.”

“Milktoast has located the tablet!”

“She’s approaching them at a speed I’ve never seen her move at before. She such an amazing athlete.”

“PUC and Sweetart run away and Milktoast hides the tablet under her body! Will anyone challenge her possession?”

“Beetlejuice, Smee, and Chummy are certainly thinking about it. Look how they hover over like three helicopters waiting for her to move.”

“Smee has given up and Chummy has decided to go after Beetlejuice. It looks like Milktoast has won and will get to eat three-fourths of the tablet!”

“Thanks for joining us today. Our presentation was brought to you by That Fish Store. ‘Where you get all the tasty food.’ This is Dover and Mackeral from the Gravel Channel signing off until tomorrow.”

It’s been a month, and all of Sassy and Geoffrey’s attempts to make friends have been for naught. Geoffrey has invited neighbors over for pressed worm flakes several times, and when she went to have a friendly chat with Ninja Smee, she got snapped at. Sassy doesn’t seem to care if others accept them, so he does nothing to help Geoffrey’s efforts. It would be easier for them if they were ignored, but Sassy’s size and constant zipping into corners when something startles him makes it impossible.

“It’s annoying,” Sir Witherspoon III said, adjusting his monocle (an accessory his companion Wilt Chamberlain says is fake). “That skittish behemoth spends the day screaming ‘My God they are going to kill us all!’ before giving himself a concussion. I’m convinced he has brain damage. No one has figured out, except me and my esteemed friend, that he’s lying. This has led to everyone having a large knot on their head from crashing into the glass to get out of Sassy’s way.”

“It does make meal time more enjoyable,” Wilt Chamberlain interjected. “With everyone hiding, we get to the food first, and are able to eat in a more dignified way.”

“Indeed,” Sir Witherspoon said.

We tried to find more residents to talk to about Sassy’s continual disruption of the peace, but everyone was hiding. When we approached the couple, Sassy screamed, “You’re in league with the enemy,” at our reporter before hiding in Beetlejuice’s corner. Beetlejuice is now displaced and hanging out at the top of the tank waiting for Sassy’s anxiety attack to subside. Geoffrey’s tried to be a comforting presence, but her efforts have been in vain, like her attempts to make friends.

The Bubbly Review

June 16, 2014

Morning:

I’ve got the dreaded itch. I can feel parasitic creatures trying to feast on my scaly, handsome flesh. Thankfully, the authorities caught me swiping against the rocks. It’s nice to know they are looking out for my benefit.

Afternoon:

I take it back. My relief over doctors being alerted to my predicament has dwindled into a deep itchy rage. Doctors should know that a sick fish needs a comfortable place to stay, away from stress, but the first thing they did was put me in a net. Then they yanked me out of the neighborhood, walked my gasping self across the room to deposit me in a wretchedly small building, and gave me a pathetic baby plant to use as a bedroom.

Evening: 

They put a white tablet in the water, which does not taste good. The water is getting colder. I’m sure it’s 70 degrees instead of the 80 degrees it’s supposed to be. 

June 19, 2014

Morning:

I’m freezing! I’m itchy and going to die of hypothermia. To hide and keep warm, I have shoved myself under the filter.

Afternoon:

They put a heater in my room! Maybe they aren’t as clueless as I thought. The tablet they put in my room disappeared overnight. I was relieved until a new one showed up after they installed the heater. 

Evening:

They are as clueless as I thought. I’m not going to die of hypothermia, but I still can’t get warm. Even trying to snuggle the heater isn’t working. 

They are idiots. They are all idiots. 

June 22, 2014

Morning:

I’ve gotten used to not feeling the tips of my fins and have decided to be more optimistic about this experience. For instance, I get fed way more than I need. This is a nice change from being in the neighborhood where everyone eats so quickly that dumb Ezekiel flies out of the tank in haste. I let half of the food sink to the bottom of my room. I’ll take it with me when I leave. I can’t wait to see the look on Ezekiel’s face when he sees me eating leisurely.

Afternoon:

A tube was brought into my room today, and it started to suck up the food I’ve been hoarding. I pushed and bit the crap out of it until it went away. I don’t know what it is, but that’s my uneaten food! 

Evening:

The tube took all my food. I have to start my hoarding all over. This time I’m shoving it under the stupid, insufficient bed the nurse gave me.

June 26, 2014

Morning:

Despite their best efforts, I feel better. I also have restocked my food supply for when I get to leave (I better get to leave). I went hungry a few nights, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

June 16, 2014

We put Chummy in the hospital tank. We suspect ick is developing. Our doctors are still getting their degrees, so they’ve used an all-in-one broad-spectrum medicine. There’s no heater in the small, made-for-guppies tank, but we’re hoping that won’t make a difference. The transfer from the neighborhood to the hospital went smoothly, with minimal splashing and wriggling.

—Notes from a clueless, over-optimistic nurse

June 19, 2014

The patient does not seem to be getting better. Perhaps a heater is important. Doctors sent our orderly to buy a small heater. Chummy perked up a little after we installed the heater. However, we’ve noticed that the heater doesn’t get the water any warmer than 75 degrees, but no other heater will fit the tank. We’re sure he will be fine…he should be fine… we’re praying he’ll be fine.

—Notes from a clueless, less optimistic nurse

June 22, 2014

Chummy is not eating very much. We should’ve anticipated this considering the medication and lower water temperature. We weren’t going to clean the room until after we discharged the patient, but there is uneaten food all over the floor that is beginning to rot. Doctors sent our orderly to buy a turkey baster to clean up the mess. Cleaning the room distraught the patient, and the stress has set progress back.

–Notes from a clueless nurse

June 26, 2014

We discharged Chummy today. Getting him out from the plant we gave him for a bed was hard. This was strange because he spent most of his time sleeping under the filter close to the heater.
When we cleaned out the tank, we found a mound of food stuffed under the plant. That couldn’t have been healthy for our patient and might have been why it took him longer to get better than we’d been told. We’ll have to remember to remove the plant next time we need to clean the room while the patient is still in residence. Hopefully, the hospital will not have to reopen for a long time.

–Notes from a clueless, once again optimistic nurse

The As The Water Swirls neighborhood is a tall metropolitan skyscraper for distinguished fish with five sides. A regal shape that adds more of an artful look to the authorities’ living room than the usual rectangle. The design further cramps the residents because they all want to live on the bottom floor. It also requires a powerful burst from tails and fins to quickly make it to the top. Although the complaints are valid, those of us at the Bubbly Review have a hard time feeling sorry for them. There are lots of plants that weave to the top that can be hidden in as well as behind.

When feeding time comes, it is a frenzy of jaws and fins, and because of over-crowding, those who get to the top first get the biggest mouthful. Don’t worry; the authorities feed them enough–so much so that the water often smells like diarrhea when it gets cleaned, which thankfully is once a week.

Today Ezekiel Peacock, in a rush to get to the buffet first, gave too much of a tail thrust and propelled himself out of the tank.

The sometimes-friends heard a brief “Dear God save me,” before he sailed out of sight.

Thankfully, the authorities had mopped up a spill, and a pile of towels caught Ezekiel. Because feeding time produces so much splashing, the authorities didn’t notice that Ezekiel inadvertently decided to make flying a hobby.

The poor fish almost got stepped on while he lay there helpless in a soft bed of death, unable to move and barely breathing. Yelling and some screaming for help came from the neighbors. After a long minute, the confused authorities realized they were supposed to be the help and found Ezekiel. They joined the neighbors in yelling before scooping Ezekiel up and plopping him back in the water.

A little dazed but still hungry, Ezekiel went back to eating almost immediately. We tried to get a comment from him, but his mouth was full, and all we understood was a muffled “I’m okay,” and “Flying fish are crazy.”

 The Bubbly Review

Things are as calm as they can be in an overpopulated neighborhood. We are still waiting for the authorities to figure out that unless they get a bigger tank, things are not going to go smoothly for long. We also hope that they read the “how many fish can be in a tank” section of the forums they keep checking.

The new inhabitants are swimming along nicely. Chummy isn’t too thrilled with Sassy and has challenged her a few times. Irritated that a fish half her size would attempt to bite her, Sassy opened her mouth to prove that she could swallow Chummy’s head without chewing. Chummy made a wise choice and swam away.

“I’m not scared or anything,” our red-scaled friend said. “I just realized that my small plant tunnel has more than enough room and if Sassy wants to float outside of it that’s cool with me.”

While Sassy is not afraid of the other fish, she is terrified of the authorities. Whenever they walk by, she darts to the other side of the tank, crashing her face into the glass with a thud that makes the authorities wince. When she does this, it scares everyone else, and they scatter. The tank thumps like underwater bombs detonating as at least three other fish smack into the glass to get away from whatever is after the biggest fish in the tank.
We tried to ask her some questions, which also scared her, and as she darted away, she said, in a surprisingly deep voice, “I’m a boy.”

We feel a little foolish that we didn’t realize that Sassy’s coloring made it obvious that he wasn’t a she. We are now taking bets to see how long it takes for the authorities to figure out their mistake.

Geoffery is a pleasant fish who the authorities think is a fella. She tries to be social, but so far, the other residents don’t think she’s the right kind of society for the neighborhood. We hadn’t realized how snooty they are up until this point. When the authorities walk by, and Sassy hasn’t seen them, Geoffery swims up to greet them before Sassy freaks out. Then she goes to comfort him and find something for the growing welts on his head. She’s been chased a few times, but as soon as she reaches Sassy’s side, everyone leaves her alone. They are a sweet couple who are almost always touching. Hopefully, in a few more weeks, everyone will go to the housewarming party that the couple plan to have once they find a place they can stake as theirs.

The Bubbly Review

The Lady of the Purple Plant either forgot about her past domestic abuse or decided to get revenge on the rest of the inhabitants. Something Nina Smee has taken personally.

“After all the time I spent watching her you’d think she’d leave my tail alone!”

This caused a lot of startling fear and, consequently, a lot of peeing and pooping for the rest of the fish, which inhibited the vital function of breathing. The tank began to go into crisis again. Not having any of that, authorities considered their options: set up a hospital tank and let her live there or force her to move out. They decided that the hospital tank would be too small for permanent residency and would be abusive. There’s also the issue of not having a hospital tank if she lived there, but the Bubbly Review decided not to bring up that issue.

A few other residents, who requested that their identities be kept anonymous, confessed to making plans for a nice funeral for the Lady.

It was clear she would have to go back to her previous resistance. This, however, posed a new problem for authorities. They were told that the neighborhood needs a certain amount of residents to keep them from killing each other. We at the Bubbly Review are suspicious of this information. Perhaps if there were only five fish in the tank, this would be a problem, but there are twelve.

Authorities decided to get two more fish when they took the angry Lady back to her previous residence. Two Giraffe cichlids were introduced: Sassy (short of Sasquatch) and Geoffroy. They are a sweet couple, and although they haven’t been fully welcomed, nobody has attacked them either. Although, despite Sassy’s docile disposition, everyone agrees that getting in his space is generally a bad idea.

–The Bubbly Review