The As The Water Swirls neighborhood is a tall metropolitan skyscraper for distinguished fish with five sides. A regal shape that adds more of an artful look to the authorities’ living room than the usual rectangle. The design further cramps the residents because they all want to live on the bottom floor. It also requires a powerful burst from tails and fins to quickly make it to the top. Although the complaints are valid, those of us at the Bubbly Review have a hard time feeling sorry for them. There are lots of plants that weave to the top that can be hidden in as well as behind.

When feeding time comes, it is a frenzy of jaws and fins, and because of over-crowding, those who get to the top first get the biggest mouthful. Don’t worry; the authorities feed them enough–so much so that the water often smells like diarrhea when it gets cleaned, which thankfully is once a week.

Today Ezekiel Peacock, in a rush to get to the buffet first, gave too much of a tail thrust and propelled himself out of the tank.

The sometimes-friends heard a brief “Dear God save me,” before he sailed out of sight.

Thankfully, the authorities had mopped up a spill, and a pile of towels caught Ezekiel. Because feeding time produces so much splashing, the authorities didn’t notice that Ezekiel inadvertently decided to make flying a hobby.

The poor fish almost got stepped on while he lay there helpless in a soft bed of death, unable to move and barely breathing. Yelling and some screaming for help came from the neighbors. After a long minute, the confused authorities realized they were supposed to be the help and found Ezekiel. They joined the neighbors in yelling before scooping Ezekiel up and plopping him back in the water.

A little dazed but still hungry, Ezekiel went back to eating almost immediately. We tried to get a comment from him, but his mouth was full, and all we understood was a muffled “I’m okay,” and “Flying fish are crazy.”

 The Bubbly Review

Things are as calm as they can be in an overpopulated neighborhood. We are still waiting for the authorities to figure out that unless they get a bigger tank, things are not going to go smoothly for long. We also hope that they read the “how many fish can be in a tank” section of the forums they keep checking.

The new inhabitants are swimming along nicely. Chummy isn’t too thrilled with Sassy and has challenged her a few times. Irritated that a fish half her size would attempt to bite her, Sassy opened her mouth to prove that she could swallow Chummy’s head without chewing. Chummy made a wise choice and swam away.

“I’m not scared or anything,” our red-scaled friend said. “I just realized that my small plant tunnel has more than enough room and if Sassy wants to float outside of it that’s cool with me.”

While Sassy is not afraid of the other fish, she is terrified of the authorities. Whenever they walk by, she darts to the other side of the tank, crashing her face into the glass with a thud that makes the authorities wince. When she does this, it scares everyone else, and they scatter. The tank thumps like underwater bombs detonating as at least three other fish smack into the glass to get away from whatever is after the biggest fish in the tank.
We tried to ask her some questions, which also scared her, and as she darted away, she said, in a surprisingly deep voice, “I’m a boy.”

We feel a little foolish that we didn’t realize that Sassy’s coloring made it obvious that he wasn’t a she. We are now taking bets to see how long it takes for the authorities to figure out their mistake.

Geoffery is a pleasant fish who the authorities think is a fella. She tries to be social, but so far, the other residents don’t think she’s the right kind of society for the neighborhood. We hadn’t realized how snooty they are up until this point. When the authorities walk by, and Sassy hasn’t seen them, Geoffery swims up to greet them before Sassy freaks out. Then she goes to comfort him and find something for the growing welts on his head. She’s been chased a few times, but as soon as she reaches Sassy’s side, everyone leaves her alone. They are a sweet couple who are almost always touching. Hopefully, in a few more weeks, everyone will go to the housewarming party that the couple plan to have once they find a place they can stake as theirs.

The Bubbly Review

The Lady of the Purple Plant either forgot about her past domestic abuse or decided to get revenge on the rest of the inhabitants. Something Nina Smee has taken personally.

“After all the time I spent watching her you’d think she’d leave my tail alone!”

This caused a lot of startling fear and, consequently, a lot of peeing and pooping for the rest of the fish, which inhibited the vital function of breathing. The tank began to go into crisis again. Not having any of that, authorities considered their options: set up a hospital tank and let her live there or force her to move out. They decided that the hospital tank would be too small for permanent residency and would be abusive. There’s also the issue of not having a hospital tank if she lived there, but the Bubbly Review decided not to bring up that issue.

A few other residents, who requested that their identities be kept anonymous, confessed to making plans for a nice funeral for the Lady.

It was clear she would have to go back to her previous resistance. This, however, posed a new problem for authorities. They were told that the neighborhood needs a certain amount of residents to keep them from killing each other. We at the Bubbly Review are suspicious of this information. Perhaps if there were only five fish in the tank, this would be a problem, but there are twelve.

Authorities decided to get two more fish when they took the angry Lady back to her previous residence. Two Giraffe cichlids were introduced: Sassy (short of Sasquatch) and Geoffroy. They are a sweet couple, and although they haven’t been fully welcomed, nobody has attacked them either. Although, despite Sassy’s docile disposition, everyone agrees that getting in his space is generally a bad idea.

–The Bubbly Review

Reporters have been working frantically to get their hands on more of the case files concerning the departed neighborhood that we are all so anxious to know about. Finally, under cover of darkness, one reporter was able to get their fins on another file. We, of course, fired that employee because their actions were a breach of protocol, and we don’t want the authorities to shut down our company. But it is our duty to inform the public of the evil out there, so we’ve published the information.

Case number: 300100

Date: 28 December 2012—31 December 2012

Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet

Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

Inspector Seaweed and I stopped our stake-out last week. We’d spent so much time watching petty arguments and lackadaisical swimming with no answers to our investigation in sight that we started playing Go Fish. It was an all-time low for us, and we took a few days off.

We shouldn’t have.

The day we left, the highly entertaining Fiesta was found wedged behind the heater; the community was in a panic while police pried Fiesta out. The next day Pinata was discovered belly up and stuck to the filter.
We began our investigations immediately upon returning, and the Newest Queen Diva was our prime suspect. When we interviewed her, she stated that she could care less about the murders and wanted to be left alone.

Today the watery inhabitants gasped in horror when the Queen Diva was found dead. The Coroner reported no visible signs of sickness or trauma and filed an official report saying that she died of natural causes, but my partner and I are unsure. When asked if she would miss her sister, the last Diva stated that her sister probably killed herself by being high maintenance, and she wouldn’t be missing her.

“Now I’m the Queen of the tank,” she said.

As one can imagine, this newest string of murders has the community feeling paranoid. They have stopped swimming together, thinking that being alone would be safer than being in a group.

Last night another murder took place. The last Diva was found dead this morning at the bottom of the tank. The Coroner’s report was the same as the previous Beta’s death. The brand new community is starting to doubt my partner and mine’s ability to care for the neighborhood. Little do they know that we are also questioning our abilities.

It is curious to notice that after the clean-up of the mysterious fourth murder, the community went back to their everyday concerns. This makes Inspector Seaweed and I suspect that maybe there was a murder pact.

We spent the rest of the evening listening to complaints from Marbel the Suckerfish about Banna Fudge the Wag Platy. Apparently, Banana Fudge bit her to get at her algae tablet. Banana Fudge said that there was no reason for Marble to bite him back and that she should share. Marble pointed out that he would see his own food floating at the top if he would just look up.

Meanwhile, I observed Ghosty the Ghost Shrimp sneaking in to take a few bites of the algae tablet. We’ve taken notes of the complaints but decided to let the three of them figure it out on their own while we try to figure out why everyone keeps dying.

Inspector Fishnet

After several water changes, adding salt, a bacteria stone, and several tablespoons of nitrite dissolving solution, the tank finally cycled properly and is no longer toxic. The neighborhood has dropped charges against the authorities, despite their attorney’s advice.

When asked why, Pinky, a Lyretail Fairy cichlid, said, “Don’t make it sound like we’re haters. We were dying when we pressed charges. We aren’t dying now so why wouldn’t we drop charges?”
Despite the trauma, the neighborhood is still gleeful when they see the authorities and are not holding any grudges against them.
“We practice tolerance,” Brain, Pinky’s husband, stated, “we saw the good intentions behind all the blumbers that were occurring. They even prayed for us. Obviously they care, and we’ve decided to be a forgiving community.” 

Authorities are relieved and grateful that the tank is peaceful once more and are looking forward to surprising the community with a special banquet tonight. Until then they will be looking into why Milquetoast the Plenco is missing a piece of her tail.

–The Bubbly Review

Although the authorities said that the neighborhood was relatively safe from anything the Lady in the Purple Plant has, it turns out that this is untrue. The symptoms of the Lady in the Purple are due to the water conditions of the tank, which are extremely toxic. Due to the stress of her previous relationship, the Lady in the Purple Plant was affected by the toxic water before anyone else.

“I knew there was a problems those inept morons weren’t picking up on,” Ninja Smee told reporters.

“I’m seriously not feeling too good,” Ezekiel said as he lethargically floated behind Ninja Smee.

“I just want to live in peace in a neighborhood where I am not swimming in urine and breathing feces,” Bardarbunga, the Bumblebee cichlid, said.

“I just want to kill something,” Beetlejuice, a Hump head Frontosa, yelled from the top of the tank.

Authorities say that they are doing all they can to fix the water without killing fish in the process. Unhappy with the way the authorities have been handling the situation, the community is filing a lawsuit against the authorities.

—The Bubbly Review

The violent acts of the male of the Purple Plant household reached a head Thursday afternoon, and the authorities removed him from the lives of the watery neighborhood. Wilt Chamberlin and Sir Witherspoon held a tea party to celebrate. Everyone declined their kind offer.

“I don’t really care,” Sir Witherspoon sniffed. “There isn’t enough room in our plant for anyone other than myself and Chamberlin.”

For a week, the calm water was only disturbed by the ferocious nightly feasts and all appeared serene, well as serene as a tank full of cichlids can be. It didn’t last, though. Last night the neighborhood contacted the authorities to voice a concern about the recently liberated Lady of the Purple Plant.

“She tremors continually and shakes her head as if she is trying to clear it,” the Frontosa, Nija Smee, reported.

Neighbors have appealed to the authorities to find out if these symptoms are a result of her recent trauma or if this is something that could affect them all.

Tests are currently being run to ensure that the Lady of the Purple Plant doesn’t have seizures. The authorities have assured the neighborhood that none of them are sick or in danger at this time. Happy with the authorities’ response, a majority of the tank went back to their game of swimming to the top of the tank and then racing back to the bottom. Ninja Smee, however, is keeping a wary eye on the Lady of the Purple Plant and will inform the Bubbly Review of any changes or new pieces of gossip.

—The Bubbly Review

Case number: 30099

Date: 11 December 2012—22 December 2012

Reporting Officers: Inspector Seaweed and Inspector Fishnet

Case: As The Water Swirls Serial Murders

It’s been quiet in the neighborhood for the last couple of months, and Inspector Fishnet and I considered ending our stakeout. The three Beta Sisters surprisingly get along with each other, and peace reigned for quite some time, but then the Queen Diva contracted what we thought was cancer. We immediately consulted Google Physician and then hired the resident doctor, Dr. Goodnut, to attend Queen Diva.

The attempt to save her with peculiar medications caused the death of three tank mates. Sadly, one of the fish who died was the beloved Bristlenose suckerfish, Suckytwo, whose loss was felt throughout the community. Further devastation occurred when the medication failed to help the Queen Diva. Her death resulted in a civil war between the two remaining Divas.

My partner and I authorized other fish to be introduced for peace to be a possibility again. Today, Marble the Bristlenose; the Guppies: Fiesta, Pinata, and Lavender; and Ghosty the Ghost Shrimp moved into the captivated neighborhood. It has slowed the fighting down and seemed to help the Diva Sisters manage their grief. The new Bristlenose is particularly welcome as the algae was becoming impossible to control.

Dr. Goodnut is our prime suspect in the serial murders. We’ve arrested him on probable cause, and he’s awaiting trial. However, unless we find irrefutable proof that Goodnut is more nut than good the doctor being found guilty of fish slaughter will most likely not occur. As everyone knows that Google Physician, while the best resource for young, inexperienced fish doctors, is not always accurate.

–Inspector Seaweed.

The Bubbly Review finds it disturbing that the authorities have kept important fish of interest a secret. No one has ever heard of this mysterious Suckytwo, who, as an algae eater, is an essential part of every watery community and should be known by all and commemorated. The presence of a ghost shrimp is a surprise to all and has led to questions such as: Could the tank be haunted?

—The Bubbly Review

Despite the Purple Plant couple being under surveillance for the last week, there was a rapid and violent chase within the plant this morning.

“The violence is unacceptable,” Sir Witherspoon III sniffed, displacing his monocle. “The pommeling must cease immediately. Yesterday, the brute knocked into me and dumped my tea.”

“Indeed. We are supposed to be a safe environment, but that female’s continuous screeching is ruining that illusion,” Wilt Chamberlin said, floating next to Sir Witherspoon.

The friends share the reedy, red plant and can’t understand the fish who aren’t able to co-exist. Mr. Chamberlin said it best when he described the neighborhood as “having plenty of space in which to hide and call your own.”

Authorities stepped in and incarcerated the male of the purple plant.
Despite scale -removal-treatment, the Lady of the Purple Plant is now hanging out as close to her mate as the prison net will allow. Occasionally he still lunges for her, but she always returns.

This is the first domestic violence case where the battered female keeps returning to the abuser that the authorities have seen in a fish tank.

“We are seriously displeased,” Inspector Seaweed informed us.

 The Bubbly Review will continue to follow this ghastly situation as it unfolds.

—The Bubbly Review

As The Water Swirls is a tightly knit community thanks to the glass walls that hold their atmosphere. Sometimes (every day), a complaint is lodged against one resident or another. Since the situations usually resolve on their own, authorities do little more than listen with disapproving frowns. So far, this hasn’t created any resentment.

In the past twelve hours, several complaints came to the authorities about the couple who live in the purple plant. Reporters interviewed surrounding residents while the authorities interrogated the two.

“He chases her and tries to bite her for most of the day,” Ezekiel, a flavescent peacock cichlid, said.

“Oh, it’s worse than that,” Chummy, a rubin red peacock cichlid, interrupted. “He’ll be kind to her just long enough for her to forget his previous abuses and fool her into getting close to him again.”

“He’s so volatile. We never know what will set him off,” Ezekiel said, pushing Chummy away from the microphone.

“She’s missing pieces of her fins!” Chummy said, giving Ezekiel a whap in the face with his tail.

Before a fight could break out between the two peacocks, reporters thanked them and rushed to speak to the authorities.

“We’re going to put the two under surveillance,” Inspector Seaweed told reporters. “This is a rough neighborhood to begin with, and it seems unfair to judge this couple on conduct that we see all of the residents display at least once a day.” He nodded towards Chummy and Ezekiel circling one another

–The Bubbly Review