Authorities were in an uproar yesterday when they saw Smee playing dead in a plant with Beetlejuice hovering nearby. Warden Crustation roused from his bed of coral and brought in for questioning as to why she was not in prison. Being so rudely aroused from bed, the good Warden did more stuttering than explaining, but evidently, he did not know that she was gone. Authorities inspected the jail more carefully and found nothing. No holes. All the doors locked. Smee was quickly apprehended and thrown back in prison, and with a glare at the Warden, and a not-so-subtle wave of a stick of butter, the authorities considered the matter closed.

However, this morning Smee was once again found out of prison and battered as ever. Warden Crustation was understandably upset, with the previous butter threat and all, but the authorities did not turn their wrath upon him. Instead, they questioned Smee, but she played the “I’m a fish and you’re a human” card and pretended not to understand them. If Smee was hoping that her silence would keep her from being returned to prison, she was sadly mistaken. Once authorities put Smee back, they raised the jail so that the first fourth of it was above water. 

Warden Crustation denied our request to speak with her, but PUC was happy to inform us that when he noticed she broke out, she was muttering: “That’s right, I’m Ninja Smee. I can get out of anything!” We have doubts that will be the case down that the prison walls are so high.

—The Bubbly Review  

Our journalists were shocked to find out that Smee is in prison. Our inquiries to the other residents shed little light on why Smee was singled out.

“I can’t think of anything she’s done wrong,” SweetTart said with a flair of her gills and a sideways glance at authorities.

“She hides all the time. To the point that she disregards other people’s homes,” Brain Einstein said, purposefully jutting out his lower jaw where an impressive set of lower teeth have begun to grow. “If you want my honest opinion, I think she should stay there where she is out of the way.”

PUC and Beetlejuice were too busy playing Flipper to the Face to comment, and M. Geoffery was pretending to be dead in one of the larger plants. 

Warden Crustation was kind enough to let us visit Smee. Her state was deplorable—huge missing chunks of scales, most of her flippers and pieces of her tail chewed away. The culprits, she informed us, were Beetlejuice and M. Geoffery. She couldn’t understand why she was in prison and not “the bullies who deserve the toilet.” We asked if her retaliation had possibly caused authorities to misunderstand the situation and punish her. She waved a broken flipper at us and said, “How could I possibly retaliate when my beautiful flippers are missing?” 

In frustration, we went to the authorities for an explanation.

“Smee, has done nothing wrong that we are aware of,” a spokesperson said. “Her imprisonment isn’t punishment but rather protective custody. She is bullied by Beetlejuice until he is in prison. When he is in prison M. Geoffery begins to bully her because Beetlejuice isn’t keeping M. Geoffery in hiding. There is no scenario where Smee is not getting the snot beat out of her. She needs to be able to heal from her injuries but to do that she needs to be secluded. Once she has healed, she will be released. Fins and tails heal quickly so we don’t expect her stay to be long.” 

We asked why they didn’t put her in the hospital instead, and they responded with a long-winded answer that basically said removing her from the tank seemed excessive; they didn’t want to add more stress.

Looking at the tiny prison, we seriously doubt she is under less stress.

—The Bubbly Review  

Yesterday started like any other day, with sunshine, reasonable levels of bullying, and residents receiving mild scoldings. Around 9:00 pm, a thunderstorm developed and residents hid like usual. Authorities love storms and opened the windows so they could better hear the sky rumbling, or in this case, snarling. What everyone thought was an annoying storm changed suddenly.

“When it got quiet, I felt the need for some companionship, so I made up with PUC,” SweetTart said when we asked residents to tell us about their experience.

“We spent some time in my cave.” PUC winked. “I was surprised to see Brain Einstein hiding near my doorstep with no interest in picking a fight.”

“I wasn’t hiding by PUC’s door because I was too scared to be by myself. I knew something wasn’t right when the lights kept flashing, and that spot has the best view,” Brain Einstein said. 

“I’ll never forget that haunting, swirling noise or the look on the authorities’ faces as they listened at the window and opened the backdoor,” Smee shuddered. 

“And I’ll never forget their traitorous behavior when they ran downstairs leaving us!” Beetlejuice hissed from behind Smee. 

“Don’t be angry at them,” Geoffrey said in a small voice. “I heard them tell us they were sorry to leave us and said, ‘Please live.’”

“They should’ve put us in a bucket and taken us with them,” Beetlejuice insisted.

“I’d never tolerate being in a bucket with you,” Brain Einstein retorted. “I’d kill you first.”

Beetlejuice took that comment personally.

“Suddenly the quiet stopped and the noise was deafening.” PUC picked up the narrative. “I thought for sure the roof was going to shatter our neighborhood.”

“We all huddled together when the lights went out and the filter stopped working,” Geoffrey said. “That’s when I really started to freak out. We only had about eight hours of air left before we drowned. Less if Beetlejuice didn’t stop chasing everyone.” She cast a meaningful glance as Beetlejuice and Brain Einstein zipped by.

Thankfully, the ‘weak tornado’ did minimal damage to the authorities’ house and no damage to the watery neighborhood. When we asked the authorities why they didn’t take the residents to the basement with them, they said, “We had no warning and there wasn’t time.” We think their reasoning is a bit selfish but didn’t say so.

—The Bubbly Review

Authorities researched natural cichlid habitats and found that those living in African lakes preferred homes in small caves. Thinking this might help lessen the savage atmosphere, they removed the fun decorations like the dragon, SweetTart’s home, and replaced them with caves.

Enraged, SweetTart put in a complaint and started bashing PUC in the face with her tail.

“It was my home,” she told reporters. “How would they like it if I took their home away?”

SweetTart has a valid point. We confronted authorities to get an explanation and were surprised when they responded with a statement:

“We understand SweetTart’s anger and are sorry for victimizing her in this way. However, we have the rest of the tank to consider. We are tired of seeing Madame Geoffrey and Ninja Smee play dead in the plants. They have scared us several times into thinking they are dead, and it isn’t until we press our faces against the glass to see if they are breathing that we are assured it is a farce. The caves create not only more homes but more hiding spots. 

“There is also the issue that SweetTart is getting too big for the dragon’s mouth. Every time we clean, she refuses to come out, and we spend several minutes shaking the decoration until she pops out. We have no way to safely break the decoration without harming her should she get stuck. We bought her a charming little cave to replace the dragon.”

SweetTart was not appeased by this statement and marched around the tank screaming, “The authorities want a homeless population.”

Authorities simply pointed to the small cave and walked away. 

 SweetTart moved into the cave last night but has not stopped hitting PUC. Tired of the abuse, PUC has started hitting her back and not coming to her defense when Brain Einstein starts chasing her. We hope they go to counseling to reconcile their differences. PUC mentioned he was willing if SweetTart went to anger management classes. We cannot print SweetTart’s response to that. 

—The Bubbly Review

Beetlejuice was released on mediocre behavior to make room for Madame Geoffrey. Inspector Fishnet brought her in on charges of harassment and battery of Ninja Smee. While Beetlejuice was a grumpy inmate, Madame Geoffrey is a chatterbox. Not five minutes after her arrival and processing, she started talking about “how nice it is that the authorities are on eye level now.” Whenever the authorities walk by, she wiggles until she gets their attention and is able to draw them into a conversation that usually starts with a “hiya” and then evolves into something about food. She is uncommonly happy for a prisoner, making us feel bad that she is here.

“I like the authorities,” she said one day after dinner. “And I know they like me. I can’t talk to them when I’m out of prison because I get chased into a plant. So other than there not being a lot of room, this is nice.”  

Occasionally, Beetlejuice and Ninja Smee swim over to taunt her, but she snubs them and waits for the next authority to pass by. If it weren’t for Ninja Smee missing most of her right flipper, I’d say that there’s been a mistake and that this charming lady has done nothing wrong.

                                                                                                Warden Crustacean

We had to incarcerate Beetlejuice Zombiefish for the fourth time yesterday afternoon. His previous three stays lasted a mere two days; however, his sentence may be extended this time due to the amount of bodily damage he inflicted on Ninja Smee and Madame Geoffrey. He’s awaiting trial for sentencing( once the authorities have calmed down) later today.

He has given us a letter to mail to his mother. Nobody knows where she is, but we will endeavor to deliver it. A copy of it is below.

   Dear Mother,
I am in prison. I've been here before, but this time feels different, so I thought I'd reach out. I know I haven't seen you since I was two months old, but I hope you remember me. I'm the one who would tug on your flipper when my fourth sister would come after me. You'll be happy to know that I'm no longer bullied. I want you to know that I am grateful that you kept Dad from eating me as a minnow, like he did my second brother and fifteenth sister. 

Take care,
Beetlejuice

It should be noted that Ninja Smee visits Beetlejuice often and taunts him. When he lunges at her, she lunges back, and they attack each other through the mesh. They quit when one gets their teeth stuck and has to spend a few moments dislodging themselves.

                                                                                                                                                                                                             Warden Crustation 

The tragic death of Sassy has turned the neighborhood into a Mad Max free for all. Several residents have decided it’s time to move homes and become ruler of them all. Beetlejuice no longer hangs out in the upper corner of the tank and takes turns booting other residents out of their homes. Chummy has declared an unrivaled hate towards Madame Geoffrey and Beetlejuice, splitting up his time in chasing (and biting) one and then the other. Pinky and Einstein expressed a general dislike for everyone. They set up a laboratory to test some of their plans to take over the tank. PUC and Sweettart have filed several grievances about Pinky and Einstein’s aggressive behavior. The authorities have assured us that they take all grievances seriously, but haven’t acted on the complaints because they are actively investigating PUC for giving Einstein a black eye. Wilt and Ezekiel have taken up the habit of hanging out together, saying, “The buddy system, is really the only way to keep from getting ripped fins.” For the most part, everyone has agreed to leave Milketoast alone when it is not mealtime.

Authorities watched the mayhem for a week before deciding that the ripped fins, missing scales, and swollen eyes were too much. They bought a medium breeder box and converted it into a prison. Chummy was the first inmate. Beetlejuice was then incarcerated after Chummy was released. Authorities are now considering taking Einstein into custody once Beetlejuice’s sentence is up.

—The Bubbly Review

Name: Sasquatch Timid Giraffe
Date and Time Admitted to hospital: October 30, 2015
Complaint: Itchy and can’t breathe
Symptoms: Scraping scales against rocks, gasping of breath, gills flared out.
Noticeable outward appearance: There is a lump on his head, but otherwise normal.
Treatment: All-in-one tablet.


Notes: 
The patient appears to be getting worse since arriving. A lack of bacteria in the hospital could be the cause. The doctor is unsure how to fix this problem and doesn’t want to send him home because of the risk of him spreading a suspected case of ick to neighbors and spouse. Adding a bio stone to the hospital may solve the problem. Research is being done.  

Results: Attempts to cure Mr. Giraffe were unsuccessful.
Time of Death: October 31, 2015, 4 pm