Since the passing of Sir Witherspoon, Wilt Chamberlin has not ventured from his plant. Milktoast, who likes to hang out on the glass next to him, mentioned that he’s been depressed. But because he’s been eating, she didn’t feel the need to report his condition. 

Yesterday was tank cleaning day, a day of terror for all the residents. The Cleaners remove everyone’s home for a good scrubbing and then put them in different locations when they are done. There’s been a lot of complaints.

During yesterday’s cleaning, Wilt got yanked out of the tank with his plant and plopped in the cleaning bucket. As he didn’t scream, none of his neighbors noticed until all the decorations and homes were gone (and Sweetart was shaken loose from the dragon’s mouth that she insists on living in). Milktoast was the first to show concern, saying she hadn’t noticed that he’d died, so “where was he?” Ezekiel swam to the top and peered through the glass as the authorities made their way toward the sink.

“That’s when I saw him,” Ezekiel said. “In the cleaning bucket, on top of his home, gasping.”

Ezekiel raised the alarm, but the Cleaner approached the sink without a glance. For once, the entire community was united in finding out what would happen to poor Wilt. Each of them pressed to the side of the tank facing the sink.

The Cleaner placed the bucket under the faucet and went to turn on the water. There was a collective sigh of relief when the residents heard a scream and saw Wilt being rushed back to them in the hands of the traumatized maid.

“I hope this means they will be more observant from now on. If it can happen to Wilt, it could happen to any of us…especially Sweetart who’s too stupid to get out of the dragon’s mouth even when the authorities shake the décor upside down. Not that I care if she lives,” Pinky said, swimming away.

When we asked Wilt if he had purposefully held onto the plant as it was being ripped out of the tank, he shook his head and slowly swam away.

In a rare moment of kindness, Ezekiel visited Wilt to commiserate finding oneself unexpectedly out of the tank and at the mercy of the authorities who almost kill you. This visit suggests that Wilt did not try to commit suicide.  

–The Bubbly Review

At dawn three days ago, Brain burst through his plant screaming for a press conference—annoying all his semi-asleep neighbors. The Bubbly Review arrived as soon as we could, expecting an announcement of some nefarious plans. Our nervousness quickly turned to surprise when Brain demanded a new name.  

“I don’t want to be mistaken for a mouse! I will not be compared to a species that drown easily,” Brain said, thrashing back and forth in front of the mic and jutting out his impressive teeth.

“You don’t look like a mouse,” Wilt sniffed.

“Call yourself whatever you want. We don’t care,” Sassy said before going back to sleep.

“I agree with the big guy. Shut up and go home,” Ezekiel groused.

More grumbling filled the water, and Brain found himself at the center of more attention than we think he intended. Thankfully Pinky was there and decided to show off her nifty boxing skills. Shocked, everyone backed off, including us. She’s such a dainty thing; who knew? 

“I want to be known as Einstein from here on out,” Brain said. 

To which Beetlejuice remarked that he didn’t find Brain to be “all that smart.” Pinky did not take that comment kindly and chased Beetlejuice to the top of the tank.

“I am smart and I look like a scientist,” he continued.

With Pinky gone, Ninja Smee felt safe to snicker to SweetTart, “Yeah, a mad scientist.”

Brain turned in the proper paperwork to the authorities, and they have granted the name change. So far, everyone is calling him Einstein only half the time, including the authorities.

We won’t venture to find out whether this is on purpose.

–The Bubbly Review

The Bubbly Review Societal Pages

The electric yellow cichlids told The Bubbly Review that all the sickness and death made them realize that life needs to be about more than just conflict.

“We’ve decided that life must be lived!” PUC said.

We asked if Geoffrey and Sassy’s relationship had anything to do with their decision, and both fish gaped as if they had hooks in their mouths.

“Heavens no,” Sweetart said. “They appear to be sweet, sure, but they are so needy. Sassy protecting his damsel in distress; Geoffrey constantly soothing his anxiety attacks. It’s so dramatic.”

“And traumatic,” PUC cut in. “We are independent fish who’ve decided to do life together.”

“But also apart. I don’t need PUC to swim by me every second of the day. I have my own place and he has his. He would never ask me to move out of the mouth of the dragon decoration. That’s one reason why we’re perfect together,” Sweetart said with a slight swish of her tail.

 “It’s true,” PUC said with adoration. “We get together for meals and a swim around the tank, sometimes we bully Beetlejuice together, and then we go to our separate homes. It’s perfect. She’s perfect.”

When we asked if there was anything they’d like to see change in the other, Sweetart mentioned that she’d prefer it if PUC would not eat upside down or “belly-up,” as she called it. To this, PUC shrugged and then explained that it was the best way to get to the food stuck under the filter and his secret to eating well. A date has yet to be set for the ceremony, but the couple mentioned that they may not have one since no officiator lives in the tank. However, if they do, the authorities are not invited.

The Bubbly Review congratulates the couple!

The mysterious absence of Sasquatch Giraffe has been solved. He returned yesterday afternoon with a well-aimed splash that soaked the authorities, floor, surrounding electronics, and wall. Something he told us was “Very satisfying and well deserved.”

When we asked him where he had been, he told us it was a “Small, cold place where breathing was hard, and a stupid white tablet kept showing up.”

Surprisingly, Chummy yelled from the safety of the door of his home that Sassy’s description could only be the hospital.

When Wilt heard this, he began to cry. He pulled out a letter from Sir Witherspoon, and we learned that the great Sir is dead.

 Chummy offered his condolences and suggested that Wilt and Sassy go to a spa.

Geoffrey’s unbridled joy at Sassy’s return is best described as enduring. As soon as she saw him, she nestled up to him and fluttered her body against his before swimming circles around him. The affection got everyone’s attention. Although most didn’t care, Chummy appeared put out and Ninja Smee thought it was sweet, casting longing glances at Beetlejuice (who gave her the cold fin).

It has not gone unnoticed by authorities or The Bubbly Review that in Sassy’s absence, the neighborhood became violent, particularly towards Geoffrey and Smee. With Sassy’s return, everyone has gone back to coexisting as peacefully as cichlids in an overcrowded tank can. There is a growing concern that if something terrible ever happened to Sassy, a few residents may, at best, form a mafia or, worse, fight to be the only one in the tank.

We all pray that Sassy lives a long life without brain damage from smacking into the glass.

–The Bubbly Review

Incident Number	Officer on Case	Date and Time	On a scale of 1 to 10, how dire do you think this is?
000026	Inspector Fishnet	April 7, 2015 3:17 am	4
Name of marine life reporting the loss	Address	Relationship to the Missing	Reason for reporting the marine life missing
Ginger “Geoffrey” Giraffe	The Watery Neighborhood	Spouse	There was a net and then he was gone
On a scale of 1 to 10, how worried are they?	50

Lost/Missing Marine Life

Name of the Missing	Nickname	Scale/shell/flesh color	Size
Sasquatch Timid Giraffe	Sassy	Green body, blue head, bright yellow streak down dorsal fin	Biggest in the land
Marks/Scars on scale/shell/flesh	When did you first notice the marine life missing?	Location missing from	Time last seen and by who
Knot on the head from hitting the side of the tank repeatedly	Lunchtime on April 6, 2014	The middle of Water Neighborhood	Lunchtime. Everyone in the tank because he’s so huge

Additional Information and Comments

My dearest Sassy was scraping his sides in quick, graceful swoops when the top of the building opened up. Sassy smashed his face into a corner with a thud, and then I lost sight of him. A giant fish net showed up, and everyone scattered. It was pandemonium! I hid under a plant that turned out to be Pinky and Brain’s home. After the net withdrew, Pinky and Brain chased me out of their home (they actually bit me. I couldn’t believe it). Anyway, Sassy was gone after that. I’ve been zipping around the tank searching for him, incurring injuries because my neighbors are the worst. Please find him!

Wilt Chamberlain III
1st Tall Spindly Red Plan
Leaf 3, Watery Neighborhood

My Dearest Friend,

I hope this letter finds you well and that the despicable algae games are not disturbing the house. Thank you for your note and for inquiring about my health. The hospital is abysmal, the food is bland, and I miss our chess games. The only benefit of being here is that it is quiet.

Despite the doctor’s valiant efforts on my behalf, I don’t believe the medical care is working. Although the nurses do their best to keep me in good spirits, something I wish they wouldn’t try to do for it is quite annoying, I fear I will not survive the week.

I’d like to leave you my favorite monocle and ask that you don’t let anyone move into my room on leaf four. I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. Thank you for always being quiet and composed during all the tank drama. You helped me keep my sanity. Please stay away from that monster Sasquatch; his mouth is so big that I fear he’ll one day try to eat you. Live long, my friend. I go before you into the ocean of the beyond quite unafraid.

Until we meet in the next life,

Sir Witherspoon

Sponsored by That Fish Store. “Where you get all the tasty food.”

“Welcome to the daily Algae Games where we get to see if our pleco, Milktoast, will get her food. What do you think, Dover, will she get to eat today?”

“Well Mackerel, I firmly believe that Milktoast is capable of taking on any of these fish, even without teeth. I think the real question is not will she get to eat, but what will happen first: Milktoast busting out the tail smack or Lunch Lady adding a second tablet? We may see some real action today.”

“I guess we’ll find out. The food has been put in and everyone is at the top scarfing away. Lunch Lady carefully drops the tablet in the back of the tank. It’s falling with lazy flips along the side of the heater. Dover, this may be a boring game, nobody has noticed it.”

“I don’t know Mackerel you know how quickly—Beetlejuice has noticed the tablet! He swoops in and tries to stick the whole thing in his mouth, but it’s too big!”

“Ninja Smee has noticed Beetlejuice awkwardly swimming and chewing and now rips the tablet from his mouth in a well-played swoop.”

“But she can’t keep hold of it and it drops to the bottom of the tank! Milktoast sees it and makes her way towards it. Oh no, Chummy has picked it up.”

“His mouth is even smaller than Beetlejuice’s, Dover, he can’t possibly hold on to it for long.”

“You’re right. Ezekiel has swiped the tablet from his mouth, but Chummy isn’t going to let him get away with that and with a scaley swipe and flipper flick, he gets the tablet back. But wait, Sassy has noticed the tablet and rushes over. Chummy drops it in his haste to get away!”

“Milktoast intercepts Sassy, but she can’t find the tablet. It now sits at the bottom of the tank. Pinky and Brain have found it and are nibbling away.”

“Sassy gets around Milktoast and grabs the tablet. His mouth is so big that only a fourth of the tablet is showing. Geoffrey leisurely swims up to Sassy and he spits it out to share.”

“Such a gentleman, Dover. It looks like Lunch Lady is going to add another tablet.”

“I don’t think she’s ready to end the game yet, Mackerel.”

“Sassy has lost interest in the tablet and Beetlejuice has chased Geoffrey away. Chummy nips at Beetlejuice and takes the tablet. He’s chewing ferociously.”

“He loses his grip! PUC and Sweetart converge on the tablet like they haven’t eaten ever.”

“Milktoast has located the tablet!”

“She’s approaching them at a speed I’ve never seen her move at before. She such an amazing athlete.”

“PUC and Sweetart run away and Milktoast hides the tablet under her body! Will anyone challenge her possession?”

“Beetlejuice, Smee, and Chummy are certainly thinking about it. Look how they hover over like three helicopters waiting for her to move.”

“Smee has given up and Chummy has decided to go after Beetlejuice. It looks like Milktoast has won and will get to eat three-fourths of the tablet!”

“Thanks for joining us today. Our presentation was brought to you by That Fish Store. ‘Where you get all the tasty food.’ This is Dover and Mackeral from the Gravel Channel signing off until tomorrow.”

It’s been a month, and all of Sassy and Geoffrey’s attempts to make friends have been for naught. Geoffrey has invited neighbors over for pressed worm flakes several times, and when she went to have a friendly chat with Ninja Smee, she got snapped at. Sassy doesn’t seem to care if others accept them, so he does nothing to help Geoffrey’s efforts. It would be easier for them if they were ignored, but Sassy’s size and constant zipping into corners when something startles him makes it impossible.

“It’s annoying,” Sir Witherspoon III said, adjusting his monocle (an accessory his companion Wilt Chamberlain says is fake). “That skittish behemoth spends the day screaming ‘My God they are going to kill us all!’ before giving himself a concussion. I’m convinced he has brain damage. No one has figured out, except me and my esteemed friend, that he’s lying. This has led to everyone having a large knot on their head from crashing into the glass to get out of Sassy’s way.”

“It does make meal time more enjoyable,” Wilt Chamberlain interjected. “With everyone hiding, we get to the food first, and are able to eat in a more dignified way.”

“Indeed,” Sir Witherspoon said.

We tried to find more residents to talk to about Sassy’s continual disruption of the peace, but everyone was hiding. When we approached the couple, Sassy screamed, “You’re in league with the enemy,” at our reporter before hiding in Beetlejuice’s corner. Beetlejuice is now displaced and hanging out at the top of the tank waiting for Sassy’s anxiety attack to subside. Geoffrey’s tried to be a comforting presence, but her efforts have been in vain, like her attempts to make friends.

The Bubbly Review

June 16, 2014

Morning:

I’ve got the dreaded itch. I can feel parasitic creatures trying to feast on my scaly, handsome flesh. Thankfully, the authorities caught me swiping against the rocks. It’s nice to know they are looking out for my benefit.

Afternoon:

I take it back. My relief over doctors being alerted to my predicament has dwindled into a deep itchy rage. Doctors should know that a sick fish needs a comfortable place to stay, away from stress, but the first thing they did was put me in a net. Then they yanked me out of the neighborhood, walked my gasping self across the room to deposit me in a wretchedly small building, and gave me a pathetic baby plant to use as a bedroom.

Evening: 

They put a white tablet in the water, which does not taste good. The water is getting colder. I’m sure it’s 70 degrees instead of the 80 degrees it’s supposed to be. 

June 19, 2014

Morning:

I’m freezing! I’m itchy and going to die of hypothermia. To hide and keep warm, I have shoved myself under the filter.

Afternoon:

They put a heater in my room! Maybe they aren’t as clueless as I thought. The tablet they put in my room disappeared overnight. I was relieved until a new one showed up after they installed the heater. 

Evening:

They are as clueless as I thought. I’m not going to die of hypothermia, but I still can’t get warm. Even trying to snuggle the heater isn’t working. 

They are idiots. They are all idiots. 

June 22, 2014

Morning:

I’ve gotten used to not feeling the tips of my fins and have decided to be more optimistic about this experience. For instance, I get fed way more than I need. This is a nice change from being in the neighborhood where everyone eats so quickly that dumb Ezekiel flies out of the tank in haste. I let half of the food sink to the bottom of my room. I’ll take it with me when I leave. I can’t wait to see the look on Ezekiel’s face when he sees me eating leisurely.

Afternoon:

A tube was brought into my room today, and it started to suck up the food I’ve been hoarding. I pushed and bit the crap out of it until it went away. I don’t know what it is, but that’s my uneaten food! 

Evening:

The tube took all my food. I have to start my hoarding all over. This time I’m shoving it under the stupid, insufficient bed the nurse gave me.

June 26, 2014

Morning:

Despite their best efforts, I feel better. I also have restocked my food supply for when I get to leave (I better get to leave). I went hungry a few nights, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

June 16, 2014

We put Chummy in the hospital tank. We suspect ick is developing. Our doctors are still getting their degrees, so they’ve used an all-in-one broad-spectrum medicine. There’s no heater in the small, made-for-guppies tank, but we’re hoping that won’t make a difference. The transfer from the neighborhood to the hospital went smoothly, with minimal splashing and wriggling.

—Notes from a clueless, over-optimistic nurse

June 19, 2014

The patient does not seem to be getting better. Perhaps a heater is important. Doctors sent our orderly to buy a small heater. Chummy perked up a little after we installed the heater. However, we’ve noticed that the heater doesn’t get the water any warmer than 75 degrees, but no other heater will fit the tank. We’re sure he will be fine…he should be fine… we’re praying he’ll be fine.

—Notes from a clueless, less optimistic nurse

June 22, 2014

Chummy is not eating very much. We should’ve anticipated this considering the medication and lower water temperature. We weren’t going to clean the room until after we discharged the patient, but there is uneaten food all over the floor that is beginning to rot. Doctors sent our orderly to buy a turkey baster to clean up the mess. Cleaning the room distraught the patient, and the stress has set progress back.

–Notes from a clueless nurse

June 26, 2014

We discharged Chummy today. Getting him out from the plant we gave him for a bed was hard. This was strange because he spent most of his time sleeping under the filter close to the heater.
When we cleaned out the tank, we found a mound of food stuffed under the plant. That couldn’t have been healthy for our patient and might have been why it took him longer to get better than we’d been told. We’ll have to remember to remove the plant next time we need to clean the room while the patient is still in residence. Hopefully, the hospital will not have to reopen for a long time.

–Notes from a clueless, once again optimistic nurse