Sweettart, mother of who knows how many children and mate of PUC, was murdered by Beetlejuice yesterday. While no one would call her amiable, she will be missed—mainly by the authorities.

“Her one surviving child will never know his mother,” PUC moaned from inside his cave. Since her death, he’s emerged twice. Once to eat and the other to nip at Brain/Einstein. 

At first, Beetlejuice refused to comment on the death, but once he realized that the authorities were not going to incarcerate him, (he can’t fit in the prison and the other two tanks are occupied), he started rambling: 

“There isn’t enough space. Sweettart kept getting in my face. I can’t move without the other fish underfin. The walls are closing in on me! I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just snapped! And there still isn’t enough room.” Beetlejuice’s eyes bulged as he glared at PUC and Brain/Einstein.

Authorities listened to Beetlejuice’s escalating panic and went to their situation room to brainstorm solutions. We expected them to be sequestered for a while, but they shocked everyone when they emerged after only ten minutes. 

“The time has come for us to upgrade the tank. Please be patient with one another,” here the authorities paused and gave Beetlejuice the crazy eye. “It’ll take three weeks to set up the new tank.”

We asked them how big the new tank would be, and they said, “It’ll be a seventy-five-gallon tank. We will demolish the Supermax prison/Palace, and Madame Geoffrey will rejoin the rest of the community.”

“What!” Brain/Eistein screeched, pressing his face against the glass. “Are you that stupid! Have you learned nothing in the last seven years?” He said several other things that The Bubbly Review decided would be tactless to repeat in print. 

“Yes. Yeeessss,” Beetlejuice said, rubbing his fins and cackling. “Move her into my neighborhood. I’ll give a warm welcome that’ll turn her blood cold. Yesss.”

“Someone, please do something about Beetlejuice’s spiral before he kills everyone,” PUC’s voice echoed from the cave.

“We’ve learned a lot and are confident that we can have everyone in the same tank.” The authorities gave a slight, disturbing smile. “We’ll build a wall,” they giggled.

We’re all concerned that Beetlejuice might not be the only one losing a grip on sanity. The Bubbly Review is watching events very carefully.

—The Bubbly Review

With the trauma of Madame Geoffery’s new diet and the continual efforts to find a way to introduce algae eaters into the algae-prone prison, authorities did not clean the neighborhood for a good two weeks. No one in the neighborhood complained since cleaning is a traumatic event, and the tank has been relatively peaceful since the departure of Smee, her babies, and Milktoast. Brain/Einstein and PUC are ever at each other, of course, but it’s nothing more than skirmishes and no scales or fins are damaged.

The cleaning lady sheepishly began to clean the tank and then gasped (dramatically, of course), shrieked in a tiny voice, and then yelled, “Oh no!” before yanking the siphon out of the tank and banging it on the side to make sure all the water and the tiny blob with eyes drained into the tank, not the bucket. She watched in disbelief as a translucent fry with beady little black eyes raced to the white gravel and wedged himself as far down as he could.

He was alone, which could only mean that she’d sucked up all of his siblings and dumped them down the drain. It took her a few moments to compose herself and find the breeder net.

This is how we found out that PUC and Sweettart are parents.

“I don’t know why anyone is surprised. We’ve been together for so long, why wouldn’t we have kids?” PUC said.

“We’ve been parents many times,” Sweettart sniffed. “The cleaning lady is just too dumb to notice that she’s sucked the eggs up with her stupid gravel cleaner. Well, all the ones that Milktoast hadn’t already eaten. Which is another point as to why we can’t understand why you are surprised. Didn’t Milktoast freely admit that she ate eggs? Why does Madam Geoffery get all the press on this? She doesn’t even have a mate!”

“Our eggs finally hatch, and the cleaning lady dumps all but one of our babies down the drain,” PUC sighed. 

The cleaning lady says she’s traumatized, but no one feels bad for her.

It took some time for her to capture the baby and put him in the breeder net because of how deep he wedged himself in the rocks. Now everyone is cooing at Sweettart and PUC’s little one. By everyone, we mean Beetlejuice, who is “So happy to have a child in the tank again.” Brain/Eistein is indifferent stating, “As long as the brat stays away from me, I’ll stay away from him.”

—The Bubbly Review

Authorities started serious efforts to bring in new algae eaters a few weeks after rehoming Milktoast. This time they are determined to not repeat previous mistakes by getting an algae eater who will outgrow the tank. 

“We’ve decided that getting dwarf plecos, one for the neighborhood and one for the Palace/Supermax prison, is the best option. We’ve never forgotten our previous albino dwarf pleco, Suckytwo…” the authorities said with a little tear and began a soliloquy about Suckytwo. Our reporters left after twenty minutes when it was clear that the authorities weren’t going to give us more information on the current situation. 

Two months ago, authorities brought a dwarf pleco home and decided to put it in Madame Geoffrey’s tank right after they fed her. Madame Geoffrey mistook the pleco as part of her meal, grabbed the little guy, and started chewing. The authorities were able to get him out of her mouth before she killed him. 

Needless to say, the poor pleco was not feeling his best. Authorities gave him to someone who promised to keep him safe and healthy. 

A week later, they brought home an albino dwarf pleco and placed her in a breeder net in the Palace. The plan was to let her grow a bit and get Madame Geoffrey used to having a tank mate. They also said they’re trying to dispel any notion that plecos are food. 

For the last month and a half, everything went smoothly. Madame Geoffrey spent her days attacking the algae tablet through the netting but left the pleco alone. Authorities projected that the pleco would only need to be in the breeder net for another two months. Then the pleco got out and wedged herself between the glass and the lip of the breeder net. Authorities shrugged and foolishly (are they ever not?) decided that since she was well hidden and they couldn’t get to her, all would be well. 

Somehow, Madame Geoffrey was able to suck little pleco out of her spot. Authorities saw it and immediately started screaming, “Geoffrey! Drop her!” Half of the pleco’s tail hung out of Geoffrey’s mouth and waved goodbye to the world with each chomp of her jaws.

They didn’t expect her to oblige them, but she did. Geoffrey spit out the headless pleco—who’d only been in her mouth for only a few seconds—with gusto and swam up to the glass to do her little happy dance while the half-corpse of the pleco plummeted to the bottom of the tank.

Frustrated, the authorities told Madame Geoffrey that plecos were not food and vented a few other choice words before sighing deeply. Once the Mistress of Pain realized they were done talking to her, she promptly finished eating the adorable albino dwarf pleco. She complained and pouted when she didn’t get dinner that night, but the authorities were unsympathetic. 

Two attempts to control the algae contagion without using harmful chemicals or draining and recycling the tank have failed. Unless you ask Madame Geoffrey. She thinks the authorities love her more than the others because, “Only I’ve been given special delicacies for dinner.”  

There are rumors that the authorities will try again.

—The Bubbly Review

Authorities decided three tanks were too much, and seeing as all of their attempts at peace had failed, they made a hard decision. Last night, they gathered Smee and her babies and whisked them off to the neighborhood pet store. Nobody was upset by this decision. Madame Geoffrey was excited when she saw the net and the clear plastic zippy bag. Everyone could hear her sing “good riddance” as the authorities bagged her up. However, they made another decision that’s got everyone concerned. They also took away Milktoast.

“We aren’t happy about that decision,” one authority said. “Milktoast was always a favorite, but she had outgrown the tank and we felt it was cruel to keep her. Especially since Beetlejuice noticed her size and started picking fights with her.”

Perhaps their reasoning is sound, but others in the community don’t quite agree.

“I’m concerned about the algae build-up,” PUC told us. “I mean, have you seen the prison? It turns neon green every other month. Madame Geoffrey has cancer. How do we know that she didn’t get it from the out-of-control algae?”

Doctors tried to assure the community that you can’t get cancer from algae, but Brain/Einstein derailed their attempts by reminding everyone that the doctors aren’t the best at diagnosing.

“I guess this means we won’t be getting any more algae tablets,” SweetTart moaned, not at all worried about tank conditions. “But I do like that there are only four of us in the tank now. Plenty of room for us to go about our lives without others getting in the way.”

“It doesn’t affect me, but knowing that the egg-eater is gone gives me a great sense of joy,” Madame Geoffrey said, even though we didn’t ask for her opinion.

Beetlejuice refused to comment.

Authorities appear upset about Milktoast’s removal, but they are hard to read, so we don’t know for sure if they are or if it is a ruse. PUC’s comment is a genuine concern. We all hope the authorities will bring another algae eater into the neighborhood soon. We’ll keep an eye on the situation as it develops and make sure everyone is well-informed.

—The Bubbly Review

Yes, you read that headline correctly. Instead of adding a resident to the supermax prison/palace or implementing the old prison to incarcerate SweetTart, authorities took the reserve tank, tank number 3, in case anyone is counting, and created a new neighborhood. To everyone’s surprise, SweetTart was not the one removed, but Smee and her babies. Everyone is happy with the arrangement, particularly Smee, who now dances for the authorities whenever they are nearby to show her gratitude. We asked her how it felt to live with her children and she said:

“Again, they aren’t mine. But they stay out of my way, and there’s enough room for the six of us, so it’s fine.”

Authorities’ once large family room is now overrun with tanks.

“It was never our intention to have more than one tank,” one of the authorities grumbled.

“It takes about three hours to clean them all,” another informed us.

Without Smee to antagonize, Beetlejuice has noticed that Milktoast is larger than him. This has led to the two of them getting into small scraps and authorities wondering if the tank’s too small for the both of them. Will they buy a fourth tank for Beetlejuice? Authorities have said no, but it’s clear that after eight years, the thirty-gallon tank is too small.

—The Bubbly Review

Kyle Sand, our pyromaniac journalist, went undercover and “borrowed” the police report on the baby murders that everyone is calling The Sleepy Hollow Crimes. He was caught and had to return the file, but not before he made a copy. When we promised to fire him again, police dropped charges against Mr. Sand and The Bubbly Review. However, despite authorities wanting to keep details confidential, we are dedicated to informing the public about the grisly killings and messy leftovers of the poor slaughtered fry. 

Yesterday, Inspector Seaweed found the seventh victim. A cheery boy who, if he’d lived a bit longer, would’ve been old enough to name. The time of the killings doesn’t follow a set schedule, so Seaweed staked out the tank for the last eighteen hours with only the shortest break to get food (Inspector Fishnet took over for him while he ate).

Early this morning, Inspector Seaweed caught the culprit in the act: SweetTart!

“I was in shock when she [SweetTart] chased a young’un down and caught him in her too-small jaws and, thrashing, she ripped him apart. It happened so fast I wasn’t able to stop her,” Seaweed said in the report. 

Everyone’s noticed how fat she was getting, but since the babies are about the same size as she is, and her disposition is nothing like Brain/Einstein’s, no one thought she’d be the perpetrator. Since we’ve all seen her and PUC fight, the community is not as shocked as the authorities. Now that the murderer has been confirmed, SweetTart is complaining about her lack of privacy, and Beetlejuice has sent several death threats to PUC and SweetTart’s cave. 

“Everyone thinks I’m the enemy,” Brain/Einstein told us. “No one wants to believe that the fish who appears to be the nicest is just acting. At least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.” Brain/Einstein hopes the authorities will remove Baby-killer SweetTart and put her in the Palace with Madame Geoffrey. At present, no one knows what the authorities are going to do. When we asked them, they were vague and said, “We haven’t finished going through everything we can do. Right now, SweetTart is complying with our wishes.”

When asked what those wishes were, they said, “Well, we noticed a head laid in two pieces on a portion of the divider net. We told SweetTart that if she insists on eating the children, she should at least have the courtesy to leave no remains as they are particularly disturbing. An hour later, the head was gone. We feel this proves she wants to work with us in resolving this conflict.”

Everyone wants SweetTart gone, except for PUC, and no one understands why the authorities are dragging their feet on justice. Some have requested that the small prison be rebuilt since the Supermax prison/Palace is already occupied by the mistress of pain, Madame Geoffrey. Others have suggested that SweetTart deserves death by the Stool. We all wait with bated breath to see what the authorities do and if they will do something before the rest of the babies are eaten.

—The Bubbly Review

After weeks of peace, teenagers started dying last week. Daily, authorities are finding dismembered bodies. They are either without heads, or it’s just the head—gapping mouths in silent screams, clouded over, half-missing eyes, deep holes chewed into the sides.

Inspector Seaweed was on the scene early today when the fifth half-eaten chunk of little fishy was found.

“We seem to have a serial eater in the tank. Someone who delights in leaving gruesome evidence of their midnight snacks,” he said, then promised to find the culprit before all the little ones became chum. Considering he didn’t have any success when the first batch of babies began to disappear, we don’t have much faith in him.

We reached out to console Beetlejuice and Smee and found both in an understandably foul mood.

“If they weren’t so much like their mother, they’d probably still be alive,” Beetlejuice grumbled.

“Why are you trying to comfort me?” Smee said. “Those brats aren’t mine.”

We left the two to their grief and denial and asked Milktoast what she thought about the crimes.

“I don’t know,” Milktoast said. “There’s a lot of animosity between Beetlejuice, Brain/Einstein, PUC, and SweetTart. I suspect this is revenge eating. But with Smee’s utter lack of motherly concern, I say everyone is suspicious…even Beetlejuice. I don’t trust his ‘good dad’ display.”

Authorities closed the prison a month ago, so chances are nothing will be done to the murderer if they are found, but knowing which resident is so sick as to partially eat children is half the battle toward conquering fear.

—The Bubbly Review

 Madame’s Palace is clean, but is she sick?

After the third drain and scrub, Madame Geoffrey moved back into the Palace/Supermax Prison two weeks ago. So far, no algae has grown back; however, without an algae eater, everyone knows it’s just a matter of time before the Madame finds herself back in the reserve tank next to Beetlejuice. Doctors noticed a growth on Geoffrey’s dorsal fin two days ago. After much research—and we know how good they are at that—authorities have decided to treat for cottonmouth and other unknown bacteria that attack fins with a heavy dose of antibiotics. The dear lady’s attitude remains unaffected by weird growth and meds, and she is as chipper as ever when the authorities say hi to her from down the hall. 

PUC and SweetTart relationship success

PUC and SweetTart’s growing disagreements and fin fighting over the last month started to concern neighbors. Inspired by Beetlejuice and Smee, the couple went to counseling to see if they could reconcile or break up.

“The counseling itself didn’t work. The councilors are truly awful at their jobs. It’s no wonder why Beetlejuice and Smee split up despite all the sessions they went to,” SweetTart told us.

When we asked what made them decide to stay together, the answer surprised us. It shouldn’t have, but it did. 

“Honestly,” PUC said, putting his fin lovingly around SweetTart. “It’s our mutual desire to annoy Brain/Einstein.”

“Yes, we can gain up on him when he gets mean and picks a fight,” SweetTart said, nuzzling into PUC.

“Together, we are strong,” said PUC.

The reason to stay together may be questionable, but seeing them getting along allows us to ignore the rather toxic aspect of their relationship. On a somewhat related note, everyone has noticed that SweetTart has gained a little weight and thinks it’s cute how PUC lets her have some of his food.

—The Bubble Review

The Palace/Supermax prison has been taken over by noxious green algae. The stuff is so pervasive that it doesn’t grow on the sides of the tank. It simply floats. No one can see Madame Geoffrey unless she is right against the glass. Authorities decided not to move Milktoast into the Palace/Supermax prison because she is much too big, and there is concern that Madame Geoffrey will try to murder her for space. Instead, authorities donned gloves and put in poisonous drops of algae killer that, if one is not careful, will dissolve human flesh, cause immediate blindness, murder any fool who drinks it, and yet, magically doesn’t hurt fish. Other than creating anxiety attacks, this method proved useless.

Authorities have done a complete water change three times, but no matter how clean they try to keep the tank, the algae grows back within a few weeks. If they would listen to the wisdom of other, more successful authorities, they would realize the problem is that Madame Geoffrey is too big for a 15 gallon tank—even if she does have room to swim about.

In desperation, a third tank and a larger filter were purchased and set up right next to the watery neighborhood. Madame Geoffrey was moved to this, also a 15-gallon tank, so the authorities could scrub and scald the Palace/Supermax prison. It won’t be safe for inhabitation for a few weeks, but it’s algae-free. 

Beetlejuice noticed right away that Madame Geoffrey moved next door. In a fit of stupid rage, he swam as hard as he could to chase her off and smacked into the wall with a clunk that drew everyone’s attention. He won’t get checked, so we can’t confirm, but it’s possible he has a concussion. Madame Geoffrey responded with taunting.

Despite two walls of glass and an airy ether between them, the two of them have spent the last hour picking up gravel and spitting it in the other’s direction. Neither seems to have noticed that the rocks are not reaching the intended recipient. However, the gravel is creating a wall that Beetlejuice has to peer over to see his unwanted neighbor. When they aren’t trying to stone one another, Beetlejuice attacks the surrounding plants, and Madame Geoffrey swims in fast circles, bumping her decorations.

— The Bubbly Review     

The Neighborhood Grows!

The Bubbly Review congratulates Beetlejuice and Smee on their latest batch of fry. The neighborhood welcomed fifteen little ones Friday night around 5 p.m. There is some debate between Smee and the rest of the tank about who they take after. Smee thinks they look like Beetlejuice. Everyone else says they look like Smee. We will not make a decision either way because they are adorable.

Brain/Einstein Moves.

Brain/Einstein became tired of the small cave he’d hidden behind since being let out of the Palace/Supermax prison and moved into a medium-sized cave. That PUC frequented this cave whenever he and SweetTart fought did not stop Brain/Einstein; in fact, that was probably why he picked it. PUC’s complaints to the authorities went ignored because “There are seven other caves.”

Happy Birthday, Madame Geoffrey.

Yesterday, Madame Geoffrey celebrated her third birthday with a festive party of one. We’re told that she enjoyed her birthday meal, which consisted of the same thing as every other day, with such gusto that bubbles came out of her gills.  

Beetlejuice and Smee Stop Counseling.

To everyone’s sorrow, the quarrelsome couple decided to stop trying to reconcile on Friday. Beetlejuice hoped to split amiably, but as soon as the barrier net was removed (it takes up too much room now that there are twenty kids), Smee rammed into his side. Since Beetlejuice did not retaliate and Smee swam off immediately, everyone hopes this means some of the counseling was successful.

—The Bubbly Review