M. Geoffrey has been eating less. At first, it looked like she’d finally learned moderation in her elder years. However, the amount of food raining around her and the viciousness with which she gulped down the food only in front of her was very unlike her style of eating—very ungluttonous of her (the lack of gluttony is concerning). Authorities started watching her carefully and noticed a few other out-of-character actions. For instance, while she still taunts Beetlejuice whenever he starts smacking the wall (which he’s now able to move one micro-inch at a time), she isn’t rising to the occasion as much and sometimes outright ignores him—something that seems to infuriate him as much as her taunting. She’s over ten years old, so authorities expect some slowing down. However, when they consider the massive amount of food that she’s allowing to fall harmlessly around her and rot on the gravel and the lack of attention to the bully she likes to bully, it’s obvious that something is wrong. Of course, if they had asked The Bubbly Review, we could have saved them weeks of observation and told them that the good Madame is going blind. But then, the authorities have never been too astute or tried to listen to us, so we asked them what they were going to do in the hope that they would finally ask us for a solution.
“We can’t continue to feed her in this manner,” one authority complained. “The amount of food that is going to waste makes the tank toxic, and moving Tiki over to her side of the tank everyday to clean up her mess is not an option.”
We agree. Stressing Tiki out to clean up M. Geoffrey’s mess every day is a horrible idea. Not just because taking him in and out of the tank is mean, but because they have to put M. Geoffrey into a breeder cage (another name for jail) to keep her from trying to eat Tiki, despite them being the same size. After all these years, the authorities have finally learned something. Per usual, they did not ask us for help, but they did come up with an amusing, if not unique, solution.
“We can’t hand-feed her. It scares her,” Dinner Authority said.
Everyone agreed that she needed to be hand-fed. To remedy the situation, Dinner Authority bought a few plastic tongs that looked like long needles to hold M. Geoffrey’s food and then tapped her on the mouth to get her to eat. Unfortunately, this failed—repeatedly. Authorities returned to raining food down upon her and ensuring she ate at least four mouthfuls.
“We always wanted her to learn food moderation, and in a sense she has, but it’s forced and that’s not right.”
Once again, authorities are failing, but at least this time, they aren’t the ones to blame. Not directly, anyway. Some of us wonder if M. Geoffrey is going blind because of the overhead LED lights, which are all the rage. Their illumination is so bright, and fish don’t have eyelids to protect themselves from the glare when coming up to feed, but we can’t blame that on the authorities. Plus, it’s hard to find definitive proof that the fish tank lights are the cause.
—The Bubbly Review
Written In Ink 