Kyle Sand, our pyromaniac journalist, went undercover and “borrowed” the police report on the baby murders that everyone is calling The Sleepy Hollow Crimes. He was caught and had to return the file, but not before he made a copy. When we promised to fire him again, police dropped charges against Mr. Sand and The Bubbly Review. However, despite authorities wanting to keep details confidential, we are dedicated to informing the public about the grisly killings and messy leftovers of the poor slaughtered fry.
Yesterday, Inspector Seaweed found the seventh victim. A cheery boy who, if he’d lived a bit longer, would’ve been old enough to name. The time of the killings doesn’t follow a set schedule, so Seaweed staked out the tank for the last eighteen hours with only the shortest break to get food (Inspector Fishnet took over for him while he ate).
Early this morning, Inspector Seaweed caught the culprit in the act: SweetTart!
“I was in shock when she [SweetTart] chased a young’un down and caught him in her too-small jaws and, thrashing, she ripped him apart. It happened so fast I wasn’t able to stop her,” Seaweed said in the report.
Everyone’s noticed how fat she was getting, but since the babies are about the same size as she is, and her disposition is nothing like Brain/Einstein’s, no one thought she’d be the perpetrator. Since we’ve all seen her and PUC fight, the community is not as shocked as the authorities. Now that the murderer has been confirmed, SweetTart is complaining about her lack of privacy, and Beetlejuice has sent several death threats to PUC and SweetTart’s cave.
“Everyone thinks I’m the enemy,” Brain/Einstein told us. “No one wants to believe that the fish who appears to be the nicest is just acting. At least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.” Brain/Einstein hopes the authorities will remove Baby-killer SweetTart and put her in the Palace with Madame Geoffrey. At present, no one knows what the authorities are going to do. When we asked them, they were vague and said, “We haven’t finished going through everything we can do. Right now, SweetTart is complying with our wishes.”
When asked what those wishes were, they said, “Well, we noticed a head laid in two pieces on a portion of the divider net. We told SweetTart that if she insists on eating the children, she should at least have the courtesy to leave no remains as they are particularly disturbing. An hour later, the head was gone. We feel this proves she wants to work with us in resolving this conflict.”
Everyone wants SweetTart gone, except for PUC, and no one understands why the authorities are dragging their feet on justice. Some have requested that the small prison be rebuilt since the Supermax prison/Palace is already occupied by the mistress of pain, Madame Geoffrey. Others have suggested that SweetTart deserves death by the Stool. We all wait with bated breath to see what the authorities do and if they will do something before the rest of the babies are eaten.
—The Bubbly Review
Written In Ink 